Something Borrowed

Review coming soon.

Water for Elephants

No.

Water for Elephants is Titanic at the circus. The movie is set up exactly the same except with an old man reminiscing about the events that led up to a tragic circus accident rather than an old woman reminiscing about the events leading up to...

All of the players are there the poor homeless boy that shouldn't be there to begin with who then impresses a wealthy woman with his unforeseeable talents. The wealthy woman, controlled by an overbearing, tyrannical man who feels that he owns her, is easily seduced by, and falls in love with the poor penniless sitar player and the two must hide their love for fear of societal pressures and the wrath of her husband.

It's animal torture porn for a bit and then we slowly make our way to the "event" that defined this man's life... that changed everything... the event that brings him to tears from the mere sight of a picture of the old circus.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!

Nothing happens. The dangerous animals get loose and scare the crap out of everyone, but as you learn early on, the cats have no teeth. The only person injured in the event is the asshole that was keeping the star-crossed lovers apart. Through narration, we learn that the circus was dismantled as a result and the two lovers have a long fulfilling life together raising children, leading to the eventual death of his wife from natural causes. That's how it ends.

There are several movies that I deem a waste of time because they are poorly made or unnecessary remakes. Water for Elephants is a waste of time because nothing happens in the entire 2 hour and 15 minute running time.

Red Riding Hood

No.

Red Riding Hood was just another excuse to have very pretty boys fighting over an average looking girl. Oh, and I forgot to say werewolf.

It is truly amazing how they are able to stay so clean living in the dirt. They all have perfect teeth and skin, even though this takes place in a time when the answer to all of your dental problems was to rip out the tooth and Lubriderm and Oil of Olay weren't consistently stocked in the skincare aisle at CVS. I don't think there was a single ugly person living in the town that Red Riding Hood takes place.

This is trite, rehashed Twilight crap for teenaged girls, and even they aren't buying into it. Don't even bother looking for this on DVD.

The Adjustment Bureau

Yes and no.

I really liked The Adjustment Bureau. I like the concept, story, the actors... almost everything. I didn't like the director, the screenplay and the end... so, almost everything.

I don't know if The Adjustment Bureau was too long or too short, but it definitely wasn't the right length, and then it just kind of ends. The end of the movie (which I won't give away even though it sucks) is really weak. Given the epic nature of the movie's concept, there should have been way more to it than there was.

I loved the whole idea behind the movie though; that we're all on a set path, but that it's possible to stray from that path in order to fight for something/one that we care about. I completely believed the chemistry between the actors and was rooting for them the whole time.

If the director and writer had done a better job, this would be an instant "must-see" recommendation. Alas, I can only recommend a video rental in a few months :-( .

Love and Other Drugs

No.

A good rule of thumb when writing a movie is that you should either put ordinary people in an extraordinary situation, or put extraordinary people in an ordinary situation. When you put ordinary people in ordinary situations, there isn't a whole lot to keep the audience engaged. A drug rep falling in love with someone with Parkinson's disease is a very specific version of an ordinary situation that could happen to anyone. Maybe he won't be a drug rep and maybe she has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Are they gonna make a movie about that, too?

Love and Other Drugs isn't unbearable, but it's definitely not worth the price of a ticket.

The Last Song

No.

I don't understand why Nicholas Sparks is allowed to write the same story over and over again and no one says anything to him about it.

I also don't understand why they would cast Miley Cyrus in the role. She's terrible and she's ugly. The only sound more annoying than her singing voice is her speaking voice. Liam Hemsworth, who is a very good looking guy, is supposed to have been attracted to her just by having seen her walking by. She was hunched over, mopey and bitchy when he saw her and immediately I called bullshit on the rest of the movie. I hate Miley Cyrus.

The movie's only redeeming quality was the kid that played Cyrus's younger brother. It's a Nicholas Sparks movie so I'm not giving anything away when I tell you that someone dies in it. That kid did a really good job in the scenes toward the end of the movie reacting to the news that the person was dying and to the death.

Don't waste your time and money, though. Miley Cyrus is the worst.

Valentine's Day

Actually, if you turn ValentiNe's Day into a game it's not half bad... a game called "Which character is gay?" They did a pretty good job tricking me into thinking that the person I originally thought was gay actually wasn't. It was subtle, but strong... I didn't fall for it though, and ultimately, I won the game.

For those of you who don't like games, however, ValentiNNNNe's Day will be tedious. Don't forget that with so many different story lines, they all still need to be resolved and they do, resolve, every, last, story, line... ... ... ... ... ... At one point they went back to a story line that I thought they had already resolved and resolved it again.

In the entire 2 hours and 5 minutes, there was one, (ONE !) touching moment the rest of it was cotton candy. Too much sugary sweet cotton candy. You know what happens when you eat too much cotton candy? That's right... you get sick. You get sick all over the floor...

... so, no... you should not see ValentiNe's Day.

Dear John

No. Unless you're a girl between the ages of 12 to 25 and you have the need to pay money to see Channing Tatum with his shirt off.

To be fair, the two leads were very good at the first half of the movie while the characters were meeting and falling in love. Unfortunately they never learned how to portray heartbreak and regret because once the shit hits the fan, the two characters start bouncing back and forth from cardboard cut-out to caricature.

The truth is, I didn't actually hate Dear John. It is what it is it's sappy, melodramatic, overly romantic nonsense and isn't trying to be any more or less. As far as I'm concerned, it is the second best movie of 2010. That will change and it will not be anywhere near my top 10 at the end of the year... I'm really hoping it will be out of the top 5 by the end of February (with the help of Wolfman, Shutter Island, Cop Out).