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He's Just Not That Into You


He's Just Not That Into You was released in theatres on 2/6/09 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 6/2/09.
EVERYBODY, SHUT UP... Jesus Christ! This is one of the most annoying movies I've ever seen. Just whiney, annoying people, complaining about their miserable love lives. They're all so superficial and selfinvolved and they don't fucking shut up about relationships. Is there really NOTHING else going on in their lives? NOTHING?!?! These fuckin people are all so codependant that they're putting all of their energy into finding love... and then talking about it over and fucking over... Holy shit, SHUT UP!!!

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen


It's become abundantly clear to me what type of person this movie was designed for through the MANY conversations I've had about it since seeing it Tuesday night. The conversations usually start with me simply saying that I saw the movie. The other person involved then asks the next logical question, whether it be out of actual interest or that they're just being polite, "How was it?" My response... Awful. The conversations always end with the other party saying, "... at least Megan Fox is hot... that shot when she's straddling the motorcycle at the beginning of the movie was awesome." I saw that shot in the preview for the movie before Star Trek... then I got to watch Star Trek.

Let's start at the beginning. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, being a 2h 45m blockbuster with the potential of reaching $300 million at the box office, I'm going to get into as much detail as possible without giving anything away. I'll do my best to refrain from being as bloated with unnecessary content as the movie was, but I make no promises.

The first 45 minutes of the movie were completely unnecessary. It's important that you remember the statement I just made because it will come into play again later... In the first 45 minutes, Sam (Shia Labeouf) goes to college... meets new people... goes to a party. His mom is funny. His dad is cheap. Long distance relationship between Sam and Mikelah (Megan Fox a.k.a. "WOOOOOO!!! Yeah!" in theatres across America). If you saw the trailer, the first 45 minutes of the movie are summed up in 20-30 seconds.

Once Sam is brought back into the same old shenanigans from the first movie thanks to a Decepticon that apparently can transform into the shape of a human (how? who knows. the technology is never explained, developed as part of the story, or mentioned again by anyone), the rest of the movie is just metal hitting metal, gunfire and explosions with brief interruptions by inane, stammering, unnecessary dialogue or establishing shots of the many different locations that the characters travel to by car, plane, or ... teleportation(?). quotes Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian [UK] as saying "At once loud and boring, it's like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan."

Mr. Bradshaw is dead-on balls accurate. The last 45 minutes of the movie was an action sequence where Sam is being hunted by the Decepticons in Egypt. The Autobots are fighting the Decepticons, loudly, and Sam and Mikelah are running, several miles, through the desert. It felt like they were running for hours. When they finally take a break in a rundown structure to hide, they can hear the evil robots outside looking for them. The camera flies through a hole in the wall, around the building, back through a different hole in the wall and over to Sam again... THEN BACK THROUGH THE SAME HOLE THAT IT HAD FIRST GONE THROUGH AGAIN, to show a mechanical alien fly that was helping the Decepticons to locate Sam. Why?

They spent a lot of time trying to explain that the Transformers were being covered up by the government, that they were part of an elite squad of military personnel established to capture and destroy the remaining Decepticons. That the U.S. government was regretting the decision and wanted them to leave the planet. While the military should obviously have been involved in the story, the specific characters portrayed by Josh Duhamel and Tyrese were entirely unnecessary and the plot points listed in this paragraph were extraneous.

I'm tired, so I'm going to finish by saying that even with the assault on my senses, I was so bored by the story that I actually fell asleep twice. To be perfectly honest, as irrelevant as they were, the first 45 minutes were the most entertaining minutes of the movie. Don't waste 3 hours plus travel time to get to Revenge of the Fallen when you can just watch Transformers (2007) at home.

Year One


If Year One makes a cent more than Land of the Lost, Will Ferrell should take personal offense. Going into Year One, I said that I believed it would be on par with Land of the Lost... man was I wrong. It was on par with my ass.

You know "one joke" movies? This was a "zero joke" movie unless you are living in the year one. Residents of prehistoric times are the only people who MIGHT find any of these jokes funny at all strictly because I imagine the jokes would be shocking enough to draw laughter. I may be short-selling cavemen, however, because even cavemen are probably too sophisticated for this brand of humor.

Jack Black can eat shit... oh, I'm sorry, he already did. In addition to shit eating, there is also piss drinking, fat hairy man oil rubs, and an awful lot of penis talk. This is unoriginal, juvenile, lowbrow garbage that makes Land of the Lost look like a masterpiece.

The Taking of Pelham 123


The Taking of Pelham 123 is a waste of time. This is a prime example of style over substance. Someone should slap Tony Scott the next time he shoots something with the intent of speeding it up or slowing it down. If it's boring at regular speed, then it's probably boring at any speed.

John Travolta should never be allowed to play a badass again. It's hard to know whether the F-bomb was written into the script over and over or if Tony Scott was watching his performance and just added the curses in order to make Travolta seem more angry and psychotic.

I'm really not even sure what genre this would fit into. It's not really action (although there are some unnecessary car chases/pile-ups), it's really just Denzel and Travolta acting into microphones. Don't bother going to the theatre to watch people doing something you can participate in for free at the McDonald's drive-thru.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans


Underworld: Rise of the Lycans was released in theatres on 1/23/09 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 5/12/09.
I have to say, if they had started off the franchise with this movie instead of adding it as a prequel, I may have been more interested in the sequels. I hated the original and the sequel was even worse. This prequel actually could have been good if they had given it a chance, but the filmmakers really had no faith in it at all... and it shows.
It's really just another Romeo and Juliet story except Romeo is a werewolf and Juliet is a vampire. The performances were fine and the dialogue was as expected. Where the movie was severely lacking, was in the special effects and make-up... or lack there of. The special effects were TERRIBLE and instead of using fake blood the used CG blood, almost every time. Part of the problem with making such a dark movie, I would think, would be the fact that it's difficult to see blood in such a dark environment. But they wanted it to be bloody. So they animated it. It looked like a cartoon.
If you liked the first two Underworld movies, then you might like this one. I really didn't think it was as bad as the first two... but it wasn't good.

Bride Wars


Bride Wars was released in theatres on 1/9/09 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 4/28/09.
I can't. It's that bad. Unbelievable.

Land of the Lost


Unless you really like Will Ferrell and have the ability to leave your entire brain at the door... and I mean the whole thing... if you bring one iota of intelligence into the theatre with you, you're going to hate Land of the Lost.

I'm in sort of a weird place when it comes to Will Ferrell. I really don't want to think he's funny, but he always seems to make me laugh. It's just so stupid.

Every 10 minutes throughout the movie, I was saying, out loud, "why are they already so adjusted to what's going on?"... "Why are they not scared out of their minds?"... "Why would they just sit there and watch that happen?"... or "How did he come up with that idea, who is this guy Robert Langdon?"

This movie contains some of the stupidest, most immature humor in a movie with such great special effects that I've ever seen. Some really racy humor for a PG-13 movie, actually, and some really, really good special effects.

If you do decide to go see Land of the Lost, and I'm not suggesting that you should, I can't emphasize this enough... LEAVE YOUR BRAIN AT THE DOOR.

The Hangover

Yes. The Hangover is at least as funny as the trailer makes it out to be.

Consistently funny from beginning to end but never particularly heartwarming, The Hangover doesn't possess the "heart of gold" that The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and I Love You Man, had; though in this case it isn't a bad thing. It's a raucous, raunchy, adventure-mystery-comedy that, as wacky and wild as the plot gets, never goes too far.

The Hangover belongs in the same comedy sub-genre as Pineapple Express and Observe and Report, and by those standards, this movie is Citizen Kane. The action sequences are realistic and they are funny because of the the story preceding them, not as a result of quirky dialogue or over-the-top, unrealistic stunts.

The acting is solid throughout. The three main characters are portrayed by some of Hollywood's most grossly under-used talent and they all played the roles perfectly. Surprisingly, Mike Tyson was able to portray himself convincingly... maybe it's just the low expectations I had for him. Some people just can't act naturally in front of a camera. They don't know how to walk like themselves or what to do with their hands. Mike Tyson isn't one of those people.

If you want to have a genuinely fun time at the movies this week without being bogged down with too much story or emotion, you have two choices... Drag Me to Hell or The Hangover. Fun.