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Eagle Eye

I almost said yes simply because there really isn't much out there to see, but it occured to me that there are other things you could do... other than seeing a movie... I don't know what, but people do other things all the time (skiing, invading small countries, husking corn, etc.) I also thought about how out-of-control ridiculous the plot is, and that almost solidified my stance that you should not see Eagle Eye...

... but Yes, You should see Eagle Eye.

I bet you're a little confused. Well, you don't like skiing, you don't have an army (yet), and it's not your night to cook. How could I possibly know all of that about you? I have an artificially intelligent master computer system that knows everything about everything and can do anything. In fact, if you did enjoy those activities, in order to get you to see Eagle Eye, it probably would have leveled every mountain in the world, started peace negotiations with Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and husked every ear of corn in the world. That's how ridiculous the plot of this movie is. Has that cleared anything up? No?

The fact of the matter is this movie was fun to watch. As silly as it is, the action is crazy, the chase scenes are suspenseful, and it keeps you guessing for a pretty long time. It has a very Speilbergarian ending seeing as how he produced the thing, but as preposterous as Eagle Eye is, it was more believable, and better written, directed, and acted than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, A.I., and Schindler's List. (Just kidding about Schindler's List, that movie was supposed to be far-fetched.)


Review coming soon.

Noise was released in theatres on 5/9/08 and on DVD on 9/16/08.

Is this a joke? Noise is a movie, staring Tim Robbins, William Hurt, William Baldwin, and Bridget Moynahan about a guy who hates car alarms. He hates them so much that he breaks into cars when the alarm is going off to cut the battery wire. He then starts leaving notes and professionally made stickers once he's rectified the issue... thus becoming "The Rectifier".

All of the above would be fine if the movie was a quirky, dark comedy. It's not. It's a drama and it's stupid.

Ghost Town

Umm... yeah.

Ghost Town was exactly what I expected it to be. It's a nice, unoriginal feel good, message movie, in which Ricky Gervais is brilliant. Tea Leone is fine, and Greg Kinnear is adequate. The direction left a lot to be desired, but then, it was directed by the writer of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (ugh, I hate that guy.)

The writing was pretty average, the best moments were when Gervais seemed to be improvising. He's just a very talented, hysterically funny comedian.

It's scary; I get home from work and see that my neighbors are sitting out on their front porch or stoop and I sit in my car and pretend to be on the phone until they go inside. I don't really like people, as a rule. I like my family and friends, but I don't make small talk and so I avoid strangers at all costs. I wouldn't go so far as to describe myself as a troglodyte... introvert, maybe or mildly anti-social. I hate when I'm standing in line and someone starts to talk to me. I hate being "forced" to meet new people, at parties, at work, at bars, whatever. I'm not sure what it is. It might be laziness, maybe it's low self-esteem or bad self image... or maybe I just think the person will most likely be a douche. In that respect I can definitely relate with Gervais' character. He's kind of an idiot, though, and a little bit prickish towards the beginning of the movie... I don't think I fit those categories, but I could be wrong.

The movie plays out pretty much as expected. I really liked the take on the idea of "unfinished business", I'm pretty sure there has never been a movie that twisted that concept like Ghost Town does. While it wasn't as funny as I would have liked it to be, it was entertaining and is definitely worth a look.

Young @ Heart

uhh... yeah, i suppose.

Young @ Heart was released in theatres on 4/18/08 and on DVD on 9/16/08.

Ok so... there are now 6 movies that have made my eyes moist. Honestly this time I think it's just because I'm tired and it's the first time that I actually listened to the words to "Fix You" by Coldplay. What a sad and beautiful song.

I don't think I'm spoiling much when I say that the full chorus doesn't make it all the way to the end of the documentary. Fuck, the group's average age is over 80, there was no way that they would all make it. My question is, if they had filmed the movie a year, or two, or three earlier... do members of the chorus die every season? They all say that the deceased would have wanted them to carry on and that they all have said that if they drop dead in the middle of the concert, to drag them off the stage and keep going. FUCK THAT!!! When I die I want everything to stop. I just fuckin died, GRIEVE ME!

Young @ Heart is the epitome of my biggest fear. In the wise words of Armageddon, "I don't want to miss a thing". Now that I know how Harry Potter ends, all I'm really living for is to find out what's going on on Lost... then I can RIP. These people are living to sing. Whenever anyone in the film finds out that they might not make it to the performance, they are completely heartbroken; the life is, literally, sucked out of them. It's awful to see and scary to think about.

Now that all of the emotional crap is out of the way, let's get down to business. The chorus sucks. Imagine being forced to sit through an elementary school concert of kids you don't know. Once you finally got your pedophilia under control, you'd be rather bored. What makes it worse is that these people have lived long enough to know better.

I'm not saying that they shouldn't have a chorus and perform concerts, but to tour Europe and film a documentary? The people who are benefiting financially are really just exploiting the chorus members' old, cuteness... and it's not cute to me. Throughout the movie, I kept having visions of them complaining about the temperature and the ticket price. No matter how many time I clean it, the bathroom is always disgusting... ugh, seniors (except my grandma, I love my grandma.)

Snow Angels


Snow Angels was released in theatres on 3/7/08 and on DVD on 9/16/08.

It's difficult to suggest that anyone see Snow Angels because of how upsetting it is. Everything else about it, everything, makes it so easy to recommend. The writing, the performances, the chemistry of the actors, the relationships of the characters, the direction, the cinematography... everything.

I'm anxious to see how the Oscar nominations play out this year. Kate Beckinsale's and Sam Rockwell's performances are staggeringly powerful. Unfortunately, this movie might go unrecognized simply because it didn't get a wide release. I'm stunned by the fact that David Gordon Green could go from directing Snow Angels to Pineapple Express in the same year.

There's something about this movie that reminded me of American Beauty. I couldn't figure out why and I started to scan some other reviews, professional reviews, to see if anyone else could put my thought into words. There really are no parallels between the two stories so I didn't necessarily think that someone else would have made the direct connection, but then I found this and it happens to be exactly what I was feeling but couldn't put my finger on: "It’s one of the most relentlessly honest and bleakly disturbing mirrors to American despair since American Beauty." - Rex Reed of the New York Observer.

I've cried at 5 movies in my life (one of them was because I misunderstood what was going on, but that's a different story) this was one of them. Not, like, sobbing crying, but I have to say I actually shed a tear. Snow Angels is a perfectly made, depression inducing, beautiful film.

Meet the Spartans

I didn't smile once.

Righteous Kill


To be honest, I really didn't hate Righteous Kill. The reason I can't recommend it is not because I wasn't entertained, it's because the movie was so poorly structured that it ruined itself.

I knew how it would end from the very first shot of the movie. They proceed to try to trick you into thinking that someone is the killer by adding in things that would make sense if that person was the killer. Then, when the big reveal happens, they thought we would be so shocked that we wouldn't remember their nonsensically deliberate attempts to throw us off course. I wasn't shocked at all and now I'm stuck trying to understand why the actual killer felt the need to do the things that he did when he said he had to "change the rules". His actions are irrelevant to the plot and didn't help his cause at all.

While it really didn't make sense as a whole, it was fun to watch. De Niro, Pacino, Wahlberg, and Leguizamo all had good chemistry on screen and I enjoyed the movie as a result. I can't, however, in good conscience, recommend Righteous Kill.

Alternatives to Righteous Kill: Heat, The Departed, The Dark Knight



Shutter was released in theatres on 3/21/08 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 7/15/08.

We've seen it all before. Shutter comes from the same people who brought us The Ring and The Grudge... so here are my questions: Is this the best that Japan has to offer? Do the Japanese have absolutely no imagination? Obviously I'm concerned about Americans as well; we keep rehashing Japan's rehashes. I'm pretty sure I'll never understand it. Why would this project get greenlit? Did someone actually think that this was something that needed to be brought to an American audience? Did that person see The Ring, The Ring Two, The Grudge, The Grudge 2, One Missed Call, The Eye, Dark Water, or Pulse?

THEY'RE ALL THE SAME MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, this has to stop.

College Road Trip


College Road Trip was released in theatres on 3/7/08 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 7/15/08.

I'm not going to lie. I didn't watch College Road Trip. I have no desire to see it and I'm not really willing to sacrifice my time for it. The truth is, although I can tolerate him if the material is there, I really don't like Martin Lawrence. I despise Donny Osmond... and the entire Osmond family... I'm not really sure why since I only know Donny and Marie... maybe that's why, actually. The other reasons that I'm not willing to waste my time watching it are:

1. There's a pig in the front seat of the car on the poster.

2. It's a G rated movie about someone having a college experience.

3. There's a pig in the front seat of the car on the poster.

4. Donny Osmond tries to act annoying in it... Seeing as how he already is annoying, I can't imagine wanting to live through his interpretation of what annoying would be.

5. Snow Angels comes out on Tuesday and if I return this disc to Netflix, I might have a chance of getting it before it's availability status changes from "Now" to "Very Long Wait".

Burn After Reading


What a silly bunch of people. I can't say too much about Burn After Reading because I don't want to give anything away. What I will say is that the humor is so dry that it's almost non-existent. Actually, it is non-existent for the first 30-45 minutes of the movie. Then, if you don't get the joke, you won't like the movie. Throughout the entire movie you'll wonder what the hell is going on... and at the end, you'll realize that you were right all along.

My first hint as to what was going on was the score. The music is so over-the-top for what is happening in so many of the scenes, that I knew something was up with the movie as a whole, not just in that particular scene.

I have to say that with such a huge A-list cast, surprisingly, the best part of this movie is J.K Simmons and his CIA staff. Brilliant. Brad Pitt was hysterical, George Clooney over-acted his part to perfection. I really don't like John Malkovich, but this role seemed like it was written for him. Frances McDormand's cool subtlety was the perfect contrast to Pitt and Clooney's goofiness.

I will be shocked if this isn't nominated for a writing award... then again, for reasons I can't disclose, I'll be shocked if it is nominated, too. I'd like to see it again now that I know what the Coen Brothers were going for. I wouldn't call myself a Coen Brothers fan, but I did love Fargo, and this is in that vein.

Go see Burn After Reading and stick with it all the way through. It all might make sense in the end.

Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns

If you're black, yes. If you're not, watch it if you want to... it's not bad.

Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns was released in theatres on 3/21/08 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 7/1/08.

So, in preparation for the second Tyler Perry release of 2008, The Family That Preys, I thought I might check out the first. After all, The Family That Preys has white people in it, so we're kind of obligated to see it.

Meet the Browns is formulaic. If there were someone else here when I watched it, I would have been able to tell them exactly what would happen well before it actually did. Then again, if there were someone else here, I probably wouldn't have been watching Meet the Browns. It really is just a glorified Lifetime movie and to be perfectly honest, the only thing that bumps it up a notch is Angela Bassett.

I'm trying to figure out the whole Madea thing. (S)he's not funny... and in this particular movie, not necessary. She's only in one scene and that scene comes out of nowhere and is never spoken of again. Now, I haven't been following the character, but it seems like it's lame-ass Eddie Murphy/Martin Lawrence stuff. With the popularity of these movies, I thought they would be above that kind of nonsense. Unfortunately not.

Madea aside, Meet the Browns isn't unbearable and I've said that about much worse movies, too.

Prom Night (2008)


Prom Night was released in theatres on 4/11/08 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 8/19/08.

Prom Night wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was worse.

I didn't see the original, but times have changed. Parent-teacher organizations, local governments, and even some straight laced students have completely altered the prom experience. When I was growing up, I expected prom to be KRAZY!!!!!! Sex, drugs, and alcohol galore. What it has turned into, however, is basically just time donated by adult chaperons to keep kids off the streets. I hate the hypocrisy of it. Adults are so overprotective that they won;t allow kids to live out their senior proms the way their parents did when they were in high school.

The only reason I brought that up is because with all of the stories I've been hearing about schools canceling senior proms or turning them into family events and shit, the producers didn't feel the need to include the changing society in the screenplay. Yes, there are still some schools that are having proms, but I guarantee you that there is more than one chaperon at them and that they are not being held in hotels. If they are being held in hotels, I'm sure that the school has set up rules that prevent the students from getting rooms. They could have had more chaperone's at the hotel that were also getting killed. They could have had the prom take place in the school auditorium and implied that the sex scenes were going to take place in the classrooms or locker room. There's plenty of opportunity to kill off students if they're sneaking around an empty school. The ways that the students come up with to turn prom into what it used to be could be the things that are ultimately getting them killed.

They have to deliberately show the characters turning off their cell phones and taking the hotel room phone off the hook so that people can't get in touch with them... but what makes it worse is that they don't use the phones to make contact anyway, they are constantly going to and from the room to give messages to each other. I have a problem with the fact that these kids, within a two hour time period, make 5 trips up to their suite giving the killer ample opportunity to kill them. Also, the story had little to do with prom at all... all of the killings happened in or en route to or from the hotel room.

The movie was never scary, never funny, and never sad. I had no feelings for any of the characters, the killer could have wiped them all out for all I cared.

Prom Night sucks.

Nim's Island

Should you see it? No. Should your kids see it? Sure, why not.

Nim's Island was released in theatres on 4/4/08 and on DVD and Blu-ray on 8/5/08.

As far as family adventure stories go, Nim's Island wasn't bad. There's been far worse kiddie fare released this year (Star Wars: The Clone Wars) and I'm sure there is still some crap to come (Beverly Hills Chihuahua). It does not, however even come close to the standards of Wall-E, Kung Fu Panda, Horton Hears a Who, and The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. In my rankings of this years movies, I put Nim's Island just below Journey to the Center of the Earth and The Spiderwick Chronicles.

Because it's a kids movie, and I suppose the source material didn't help with this, the directors feel that they have to rely on animal humor. Nim's friends, Fred the Lizard, Galileo the Pelican, and Selki the Seal all convey human emotions with noises and movements. They also help ward off unwanted guests, and clean up and rebuild after a storm. Also, it was kind of disappointing, as an adult, to know that Nim and her dad are living on a volcanic island, and the volcano never erupts. I assumed that, in the end, they would need to leave the island when it erupted and then go back and pick up the pieces.

If you're looking for something to watch with your kids, you could do much better than Nim's Island, but you won't be bored out of your skull.