Hall Pass

No.

Hall Pass is bad. I rarely laughed and when I did, I was laughing at how ridiculous I felt for watching it. The screenplay isn't funny and the actors, for the most part, were wasted.

Everything about this movie was based on shock humor. The amount of full frontal male nudity is proof enough, but none of the dialogue was genuinely funny either. It was all about making you say "I can't believe they just said that."

I actually like Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer and Christina Applegate. I hate Owen Wilson, though. Mostly because of his droll voice and crooked nose. I really don't like looking at him or hearing his voice so his acting talent is pretty moot.

As comedies go, Hall Pass is pretty terrible.

Unknown

No.

The premise of this movie is way too weak to have made a whole movie about it... plus it sort of comes out of nowhere.

To be honest, I don't even remember what the actual plot of the movie is. Not because I saw Unknown last month and it's been so long that I forgot it... I forgot it immediately after the credits began to roll. It has something to do with the use of corn as a fuel source or something... a cheap method of taking advantage of eco-friendly moviegoers. Even the main plot of the film is over shadowed by the whole amnesia/conspiracy aspect of the film which has nothing to do with the "real" main storyline.

The fact that Liam Neeson develops amnesia isn't the driving force behind the action in the movie, nor does it expose any truths that we wouldn't have found out otherwise. He simply develops a conscience as a result of relearning about his past. I always end up comparing the big reveal in a movie to the big reveal in Scream. You could easily guess who the killer in the original Scream movie was if the writer and director hadn't done a brilliant job steering you away from the truth without ever lying to you. The story behind what's happening in Unknown is so convoluted that there is no way anyone could ever have guessed it... which kind of takes all of the fun out of watching it. It's not a good twist if there weren't hidden clues throughout the movie that you missed.

I thought this was going to be Neeson's follow up to his winning formula from Taken. It's not even close to the quality of that movie. Let this movie remain... Unknown.

I am Number Four

Yes.

I Am Number Four isn't great, but it is entertaining enough to recommend.

The whole time I was watching it I kept getting a very "Smallville" vibe from the whole thing. I was not at all shocked to find out at the end of he movie that it was produced by the Smallville team. While I recognize that there are very few original stories left in the world, I can't even give the writers of I Am Number Four credit for trying since most of the plot points seem to be ripped straight out of the world of Superman.

The acting was fine, the writing was fine... I Am Number Four was fine. The special effects were really good... actually, don't bother with this. Wait to see if the sequel gets good reviews. If it does, rent I Am Number Four and then go see the sequel. If the sequel sucks there really no reason to invest any time into this one.

The Roommate

No.

So, I learned a lesson last month (that is to say February as I write this review on March 7th). I seem to have forgotten everything I hated about The Roommate. The lesson is that I really should, at a minimum, jot down some notes so that I can form them into a worthy review in a more timely manner.

Suffice it to say, The Roommate was terrible you you should not see it.

The Rite

Ummm....

Ok, so I know this is a little late, but I'm not gonna waste time with excuses. I'm just gonna say that if I had reviewed this on time I would have said, No, do not waste your money seeing The Rite in theatres. Since there's no chance of that happening, I'm gonna go ahead and say that when it comes out on DVD or cable, there's no reason you shouldn't give it a watch.

The Rite is NOT a good movie... but it's not so terrible, either. In fact, television has gotten so bad that, going forward, many reviews that get a "No" (you should NOT see that), may very well get a YES for home viewing. At this point just about anything scripted is gonna get some kind of positive review with regards to home viewing.

Sanctum 3D

No.

There are two things the producer's of Sanctum should have insisted upon:

1. A PG-13 rating. There have been several times in my life when I got excited because I found out that a movie would be rated R and disappointed to find out that a movie wouldn't be rated R. Specifically in the cases of the film versions of Sweeney Todd and Rent. There's no reason this movie had to be rated R. It's almost as if they purposely added unnecessary gore and vulgarity in order to secure the R rating, which is bizarre behavior to say the least. A PG-13 rating would have drawn in a larger audience and, in this particular case, wouldn't have taken away from the realism of the movie. I never care about vulgarity, but gore is only needed if it's effective. It was effective in 127 Hours. It's not in Sanctum and feels extraneous.

2. A well known actor. I'm all for casting unknowns in major roles, but Sanctum needed someone to invest in and Reed Richards was not that someone. Give me Ed Harris, or a Hemsworth if you feel the need to keep it Australian. I just didn't feel any connection with any of the characters.

I think the ultimate shortfall for Sanctum was the screenplay, though. Just about every other line in the trailer was a cliche and it didn't end with the trailer. The dialogue is extremely trite, predictable and boring that the people delivering it ultimately become less interesting as a result.

Some of the 3D effects were cool, but not enough for me to recommend spending money to see this movie.

The Eagle

No...

... but that's based off of 20 minutes of the movie. In fact, I spent a lot of that time looking around at the audience to see if they had any regret on their faces.

It's probably time to reevaluate your decisions when Channing Tatum isn't the worst part of your movie. It seemed like there was a lot of money put into this production, but the actor's just didn't care. Imagine an average day in your own life, but instead of jeans and a hoodie, everyone (yourself included) is wearing ancient Roman warrior uniforms. That's what the dialogue sounded like; modern Americans on Halloween.

I couldn't bare to stay past the 20 minute mark, and I've stuck it out through some pretty terrible movies, so...

Gnomeo & Juliet

No.

This 84 minute movie is about an hour too long. I'd like to know what the thought process was leading up to the production of Gnomeo and Juliet. This concept is unoriginal, the title is NOT clever, the animation is pretty awful, and the inclusion of an entirely Elton John based score/soundtrack is pretty random and a strange decision. If they had included original Elton John songs, it might have been tolerable, but the whole movie is Rocket Man and Your Song and the score is, seemingly, a deliberate rip off of the score from Moulin Rouge!


At no point was I able to suspend disbelief enough to buy into this world. Why is there a laser security system in the red gnomes' yard? Was it put there by the homeowner? What are the legal ramifications of decapitating a child with a laser security system in your back yard if the kid loses a ball over the fence? Where are all of the bloody squirrel corpses?

Romeo and Juliet is a tragic love story. I honestly don't care if I give away the ending of Gnomeo and Juliet because I don't believe you should go see it anyway. If you're going to retell a classic tale, do it. You don't sugar coat Shakespeare. I probably sound snobbish, but I really don't care. I am not a Shakespeare scholar and I wouldn't even call myself a Shakespeare fan. I do, however, respect the work and would never bank on it's popularity in order to make a quick buck, and then change the whole story. No one dies in Gnomeo and Juliet. Gnomeo and Juliet has a happy ending. That has to be one of the most ridiculous, disrespectful ideas that has hit the screen as a G rated film. I'm really not surprised that Disney released this under the Touchstone banner; to rake in millions of dollars on a terrible product and not really be associated with it is sort of brilliant. The folks over at Disney are evil masterminds.

Do not take your kids to see Gnomeo and Juliet. Introduce them to Romeo and Juliet instead.